Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
