if you like me you must not know who I am
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
