I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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