12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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