I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
