I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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