bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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