Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
