he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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