whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
