he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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