It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
