I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
