last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
