I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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