My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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