why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think your dad took our porno
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
