If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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