awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
