I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
