..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
