I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
