its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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