i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
