I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Blood and glitter go together right?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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