Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
