he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
