I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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