I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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