In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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