Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
