WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
