I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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