I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
