I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
