He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
