i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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