It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
