did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
