shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
