fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
