K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
