I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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