My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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