and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
