Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
