FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
