ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you inspire me to be a worse person
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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