I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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