I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
