I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
