lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
